I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
