I can text with my tongue
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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