she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
