You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
