it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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