You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
