He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Someone came in the potted fern
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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