Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
