His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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