The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
