If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize