Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
