Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
