Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
