I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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