I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize