We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
