theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
