My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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