I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize