I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
