I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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