i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
