Your tits are I can't wait for
"it" just moved
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize