One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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