I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The air was thick with penises
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
