She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
