I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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