I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
