Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
