I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
