Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just had sex bonerless
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
