And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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