my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
