I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
