I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
