I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize