Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
How external is "for external use only"?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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