have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
