Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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