Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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