i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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