id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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