Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
