Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
