At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
