i don't want you to think of me as your TA
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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