i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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