He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
