how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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