I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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