I swear she didn't look like that last week.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
