yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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