i barfeds in our rink
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
