I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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