So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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