I wanna passion pit in your ass
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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