Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
