So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
