Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
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