I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
